2009-10-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven’t written on this for a really long time. I forgot how relaxing I find writing, and I forgot how much I like to look back on memories and things and remember the emotions I felt when the things were taking place. And I’m not going to write everything I’ve felt, done and realised in the past year and 10 days. TOO LONG. Lol. But there are some key points of it that have made me who I am now. And once again its totally different to who I was a year ago.

I have changed a lot from who I was, not just in what I do and my practises but in what I choose to believe about others and myself. But I realise I cannot let the memories hold me back from what I really long for and that maybe the past is an anchor holding me down, and that maybe I need to let go of who I aM to become who I am supposed to be. That I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it.

I’ve had my share of troubles this past year. Hasn’t everyone. Someone said though that the soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears. Guess its true that you don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I’ve also had my share of I guess you’d call it heartbreak. You don’t need to be ‘together’ to get your heart broken, not always, and although perhaps we should have been together he was too stupid and he let me go. There’s a phrase, ‘everyone is going to hurt you at some point in your life – it’s up to you to decide who’s worth it.’ I don’t know why we, as girls, hang on to something we know we’re better off letting go of. It’s like we’re scared to lose what we don’t even really have. We say we’d rather have something than nothing at all. But it’s crap. We feed ourselves the same lines over and over again. We hope that if we say it enough it won’t hurt so bad, or maybe this time we really mean it that we really do want this person to treat us this way because we’d rather be treated like crap than be on our own and have to face ourselves. We’d rather have someone we could cuddle up to some of the time than know we’re always alone. The truth is to have something halfway is harder than not having it all. And I’ve learned that there are only two choices in this situation. He’ll realise you’re worth the effort or sacrifice or risk. Second option is you’ll realise he’s not.

One of the main events of the past year is my decision to leave university in Portsmouth and completely change my life’s course. Everyone has lessons to learn, some of us already have learned ours and others will learn theirs in time. It’s not something that can be forced. I keep thinking I’ve learned lessons but I’m realising slowly some may not have been learned so well! Leaving Portsmouth was one of the hardest decisions ever. I left such good friends and people who I love dearly and will always cherish. I know it’s a corny saying but the saying I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh but I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry has never been more true. When I get letters from one of the most special people in my life telling me all the updates it make me so emotional. When I think of the water fights in the middle of the road, or the funeral for the teddy that fell from the window, or road trips that end up miles and miles from our targeted destination I cant help but feel sad for leaving, but so excited and happy that I can look back and be happy for what I had. For the experiences and people in my life that made my life the better. I guess I’m going to be one old wise woman, because I’ve certainly been young and foolish to the max! People there showed me how the walls I kept building up and reinforcing were not to keep them out. I just wanted to see if they cared enough about me to try and tear them down. They did. And I am honoured to have called them my friends. Now I’m gone and I’ve grown as a person, I’ve realised who my true friends are. Not that the friends I had there weren’t real friends. And its not that I’ve lost friends, I’ve just realised the ones who are always going to be there for me not matter what. Even if I am totally crap at writing/emailing/phoning/texting back!!! I really need to work on it. : )

Once I left I was working at a place called Bookers. If ever there was motivation to get a degree it was working there! However I met some amazing people. I realise that there’s no such thing as a perfect person but what I didn’t know what that someone doesn’t need to be perfect to be exactly what you need. And I met someone there who proved this to me. Yes, ok, he turned out to be an arse but he taught me how to have fun again. Anyone who knows me will know that the past little while, fun hadn’t featured all that strongly in my life. Not for want of trying. And by saying that I do not mean I was always miserable. Not at all. I just had a lot of things going on and forgot how to really enjoy myself and let go. I realised that being who everyone else wanted me to be was so exhausting and difficult. I’m not being who everyone else wants me to be anymore. It’s about being yourself and surrounding yourself with people who love every single bit of who you really are. Then you can truly relax and have fun, with no pressure of keeping up appearances.

The other major change in the past year was I chose to return to uni, closer to home and on a different type of course. Mainly for myself but also for all those people who told me I cant. Watch me. I’m going to show you I can. Trust me when I say that the people who have been damaged are the most dangerous people you can come across. We know we can survive. Doesn’t mean I don’t keep up my guard because I know what its like to cry myself to sleep but I also know how to be strong because I know what its like to be weak. My mum asked me what my dream was. I didn’t know. She asked me do I not dream or hope for things. My response was simple – yea I used to. Then someone made me wake up. But starting at Hertfordshire uni has taught me to dream and hope again. I have found friends who have made me laugh again. I haven’t had so much fun in a really long time. Whether its stealing beds from each others rooms, everything from their room, covering their room in toilet paper, water fights in the corridors, facebook raping the rookies who leave it open on their desks or just sarcastically arguing every point with someone, I have recaptured some part of me that disappeared a while ago.

In those people, I found one person who makes me smile more than anyone else. Someone that even when I’m being unreasonable (yea I know – how unlike me!) still seems to be there. He seems to be able to put up with quite a bit and I am so grateful he’s in my flat. Someone sent me a bumper sticker saying find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest. And I always thought that that referred to a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. But I don’t think it does. With this person, not in a romantic way, I know he is that person. When I had some stuff going on and was emotional he was there. When I needed someone to talk to, he was there. Whenever I just need someone to hold me, he’s there. When I need a laugh, he’s there. He’s already held me through my weakest and been there through the lows. He is the absolute best and why I’ve gotten through the recent mess. I honestly don’t think that I would have been as happy in the flat or as able to have gotten through the past week without him being there. I don’t think he even realises how important a role he has played. Im making him out to be like superman. He’s not. He has flaws too and he has things that drive me crazy. He has things that when he needs to discuss something or get something off his chest, he knows I’m there, to listen, to support, to comfort. At least I’m pretty sure he does. I hope he does.

Obviously he’s not the only one who’s been amazing. I don’t think there’s any housemates I don’t get on with. There’s a few more reclusive members of the flat and there’s some weirder characters. But generally, they’re all great. I’ve got Natalie who’s so not someone I would be friends with ordinarily. Had I not been put in a flat with her I would have missed meeting one of the most insane but most amazing people. We are the girls who hold this shit together! Lol. Actually we’re totally completely abused by the guys but its fun. And we support each other and trust each other and in some ways are so similar even though we’re so totally opposite. Ben is the campest straight guy I’ve met. But I know if I needed him, he’d be there. It’s yet to be put to the test but knowing me the day will come! Lol. He causes a lot of the mayhem that occurs in the flat, yet is never around when the person finds their punishments for leaving their door open. Strange that. Puppet master. And the one we all go to for advice. When we found ketchup over our flat, we woke Ben. When we needed permission to do something we asked Ben. Good Old Mr Harrison. Ross is the token Jock. There’s always a token Jock. Self-assured, fit (as in works out), rugby playing, joke making, prankster. He is probably the moodiest guy here and I have yet to work out his temporary moodiness which will pass surprisingly quickly and his serious one, but he is so caring and protective. I know, like Ben, he would defend and protect me through anything. Unlike Ben, he already has proved himself. There’s Anthony and Dan. Both very different characters. Anthony is very sweet natured and an amazing councillor should anyone need advice. The favour is often returned. Dan can have me and Natalie crying with laughter with just a few sentences of his completely insane babbling. I think all in all, we have made one of the strangest groups of friends, but you know what – I wouldn’t change it for the world.

My favourite quote has always been I am strong because I am weak, I am beautiful because I know my flaws, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid, I am wise because I have been foolish and I can laugh because I have known sadness. And all this is true. Mostly. I’m still pretty foolish and still fearful of some things, but I ask myself what would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail. And I think, I think, that I would be right here. Right where I am. Building my future, bit by bit, with people around me who can teach me so much about myself and about other people. I am happy as I am. I am content as I am. I am sure that I am going to succeed. I am going to prove everyone who said I wasn’t any good wrong. I am going to show you I can do this, I can overcome every bad experience, every bad decision, every negative comment made about me, every person who’s held me down or stopped me from being all I can be. I am going to show you that Sometimes, all it takes is another chance.

2008-10-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

Letter to a stranger:

Dear Whoever you are

Where did you come from? I remember when you were someone I knew, what happened to you? What happened to the person who wouldn't do anything to hurt someone? I don't even recognise you anymore.
There was a time when I trusted you with my life. There was not a single part of my life I didn't include you in, not a single fear you didn't know, single hurt you weren't aware of, single joy i didn't share, single smile you didn't hear about.
People change that I know - Ive changed so much myself that I can barely see who I once was. And you played a role in that too. See - who would I be without your influence? And yes I would have made it, and yes I would still have succeeded but the road wouldn't have been as good. I guess I just never thought you would change into the person you have. And it hurts. To know that there was such good in you, such care, such passion, such motivation, and yet it cannot be seen anymore.
At least I cant see it anymore.
Who's perfect right? I know im not. I mess up royally all the time, but im still learning and still trying. I don't know when you gave up trying. You would claim you haven't but we both know better. We both know that somethings don't last, including friendships, and what's helpful for a while, drifts, fades, gets lost.
I guess we were trying at different things. Some things just clash. And sometimes outside influences causes the clash too, distance, people, time, money, all sorts. I wish we had tried more.I say 'we' - its easy to say 'you' and blame everyone else for the things you know you could have changed too. I know I could have done more - but do you even remember the times i did try? The times you hurt me so badly and didn't even realise you had? Do you remember the things I attempted? The things I missed? Maybe I missed things you did to try. Maybe I don't remember things you did and said which would have stopped things getting this bad. Maybe my habit of pushing really worked. Although I haven't pushed for the same reasons.
And this is what i realised today - I push when some one gets to close, asks questions I don't want to face the answer of, answers things I don't want to know. I realised im not pushing you anymore.
I'm excluding from the last part of my life which you didn't walk away from of your own choice.
You chose how this would pan out when you made the first choices.I chose to let it pan out this way when I didn't change your mind.
But know this - you no longer have a role in my life the way you are. You aren't who you were and nor am I. The person you were will always have a role, always have a part, always be among happy memories of being saved by some people who cared about me at a time when I didn't care about myself. That can't change. Thats fact. That happened. Thats the way it is. Thats how i want it to stay. And thats how in a perfect world I want it to return.
I don't think the worlds perfect. In fact I know its not. And I don't think we can ever return to how it was, too much has happened and changed and I don't think even if I wanted it to, that we can ever go back.
I hope one day I can look on what it was and see it without seeing this after it. I don't want to think of the time in my life when you were around and see that this followed. I don't know if thats even possible. I hope one day I can look back on our former friendship and not still feel the stab of betrayal and hurt that I get now. I guess only time will tell.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again and it will be different. Maybe one day this will be something we laugh at. Maybe one day this will be something that has made us both stronger. But I doubt it. I doubt you can be made stronger by something you have no concept of. My guess would be that to the end of time its going to be remembered as me, my fault, my insecurities and problems that meant you were impossibly forced out of my life and could never do anything to change that. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

I hope life treats you kindly and I want you to enjoy all the success, love, friendship and joy that is possible to get out of one life and the people who are in it touch you in a deeper way than you ever thought possible as you make immovable marks of their lives in return.

Hannah

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