Letter to a stranger:

Dear Whoever you are

Where did you come from? I remember when you were someone I knew, what happened to you? What happened to the person who wouldn't do anything to hurt someone? I don't even recognise you anymore.
There was a time when I trusted you with my life. There was not a single part of my life I didn't include you in, not a single fear you didn't know, single hurt you weren't aware of, single joy i didn't share, single smile you didn't hear about.
People change that I know - Ive changed so much myself that I can barely see who I once was. And you played a role in that too. See - who would I be without your influence? And yes I would have made it, and yes I would still have succeeded but the road wouldn't have been as good. I guess I just never thought you would change into the person you have. And it hurts. To know that there was such good in you, such care, such passion, such motivation, and yet it cannot be seen anymore.
At least I cant see it anymore.
Who's perfect right? I know im not. I mess up royally all the time, but im still learning and still trying. I don't know when you gave up trying. You would claim you haven't but we both know better. We both know that somethings don't last, including friendships, and what's helpful for a while, drifts, fades, gets lost.
I guess we were trying at different things. Some things just clash. And sometimes outside influences causes the clash too, distance, people, time, money, all sorts. I wish we had tried more.I say 'we' - its easy to say 'you' and blame everyone else for the things you know you could have changed too. I know I could have done more - but do you even remember the times i did try? The times you hurt me so badly and didn't even realise you had? Do you remember the things I attempted? The things I missed? Maybe I missed things you did to try. Maybe I don't remember things you did and said which would have stopped things getting this bad. Maybe my habit of pushing really worked. Although I haven't pushed for the same reasons.
And this is what i realised today - I push when some one gets to close, asks questions I don't want to face the answer of, answers things I don't want to know. I realised im not pushing you anymore.
I'm excluding from the last part of my life which you didn't walk away from of your own choice.
You chose how this would pan out when you made the first choices.I chose to let it pan out this way when I didn't change your mind.
But know this - you no longer have a role in my life the way you are. You aren't who you were and nor am I. The person you were will always have a role, always have a part, always be among happy memories of being saved by some people who cared about me at a time when I didn't care about myself. That can't change. Thats fact. That happened. Thats the way it is. Thats how i want it to stay. And thats how in a perfect world I want it to return.
I don't think the worlds perfect. In fact I know its not. And I don't think we can ever return to how it was, too much has happened and changed and I don't think even if I wanted it to, that we can ever go back.
I hope one day I can look on what it was and see it without seeing this after it. I don't want to think of the time in my life when you were around and see that this followed. I don't know if thats even possible. I hope one day I can look back on our former friendship and not still feel the stab of betrayal and hurt that I get now. I guess only time will tell.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again and it will be different. Maybe one day this will be something we laugh at. Maybe one day this will be something that has made us both stronger. But I doubt it. I doubt you can be made stronger by something you have no concept of. My guess would be that to the end of time its going to be remembered as me, my fault, my insecurities and problems that meant you were impossibly forced out of my life and could never do anything to change that. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

I hope life treats you kindly and I want you to enjoy all the success, love, friendship and joy that is possible to get out of one life and the people who are in it touch you in a deeper way than you ever thought possible as you make immovable marks of their lives in return.

Hannah